Long Winded Thinky Thought Stuff

The summer before my junior year of college I made a conscious decision about the upcoming school year. "This year I refuse to take anybody's crap." This might not be something that you might need to make a conscious decision about, but for me it was a big deal. Up until this point I had been the kind of girl you took all of your own issues out on and who never called you on it. In my freshman year I actually had somebody (who eventually became a very good friend, although the message I am about to repeat may horrify you) who left me a voice mail that said, very cheerfully, "Erin you are just somebody that I have to take my bad mood out on. It's the only thing that makes me feel better. It's nice knowing that when I am having a hard time I can come and yell at you. Love ya Sister Bear, see you at rehearsal tomorrow." Now, had I not been subject to this person's........varying.... moods quite a bit already I would have thought him to be kidding. Trust me, he was not. He was also decidedly not talking about coming to me to vent. That's who I had always been: that girl that would let other people shit all over her and smile at them while they did it. And while I did not particularly like this about myself, I feared what would happen if I suddenly stood up and said "Hey jackass, go take your mood out on someone who deserves it and let me eat my pudding in peace." I guess I was scared that the few friends I did have would suddenly not like me anymore. It took me a while to realize that any friend who would drop me for standing up for myself wasn't really a friend I needed to have. Isn't it fun how when we are young (or immature) the people we like the most are the ones who are the most outwardly agreeable with us? Anyway... I made the decision and at first it was really really hard to stick to. All of my life it had just been part of my identity to go along-to smile even though in my head I was dumping paint over the person talking, and to apologize if I did somehow find the courage in me to disagree. Let me tell you the first time I answered "No not really," when asked "Don't you think so?" was akin to what I imagine a drug rush might be. It was heady and addicting and scary. For a little while I would try to justify my non-agreement with my own opinion, but it didn't take too long to realize that I didn't have to keep talking after saying No. I was free to just say "Nope." and leave it at that. It was when I learned this that the most amazing things started happening. People started asking "Well what do you think?" It was that year that I learned who my real friends were and what kind of stuff I was really made of (apparently it's pretty tough). It was a really great year. I really liked myself when I was 20. But you know, things happen. Your life takes an unexpected turn, and for whatever reason you find yourself smack back in the place you tried to leave behind. I guess being true to yourself and not hiding behind your "popular" mask is a little bit like quitting smoking: you have to try a few times before you can really give it up. I was thinking today about making that decision and the courage it took for me to stick to it. It isn't so different than the struggles I've been having with my blog. I've been thinking a lot about what I blog and why I blog it. Every few years we all have to re-figure out who we are. Life makes us. I'm realizing that I am not the people pleasing person I keep pretending to be. If I were truly a people pleaser then it wouldn't feel like such a chore to censor myself and I'd probably have a job writing for Jack Canfield or something. Because of the community I live in and where I work in the 3-D world, I do, to a certain extent, have to censor how I am in public. I live in a rural part of the world where it's not only possible, but probable that if I don't smile and chit-chat with somebody who decides to talk to me in line at the post office, somebody else will see this and then they will refuse to shop at my bookstore and tell other people it is because they find me "rude and unapproachable." However, this is not Main Street, My Town. This is the blog-verse, aka: My World. Most likely how I am here will not match the me you know in 3-D. This may shock you or irritate you. And to this I say: Deal With It. That felt pretty good. There are, of course, a couple of things that I truly can't write about: I can't go into specifics about work (privacy policy). I refuse to reveal GK's real name because that's his privacy I'd be invading, and his 3-D life that could potentially be affected and that isn't my place to do. Other than that, I'm tired of censoring myself on my own website so I am going to stop. Thanks to all of you who commented and offered thoughts and advice. You all truly helped me figure a lot of stuff out. You guys Rawk!