Thanks...

So my one year blog-i-versary passed a few days ago and I swear I meant to blog a little bit about it. Viva la procrastination! The good thing about taking a few days to write in here is that I've had a couple of days to plan out what I really want to write about. I've thought and thought and while I could write some elaborate entry about how I came to be a blogger and what blogging means to me, I figure I'll save that for my manifesto and do what I've wanted to do for a while: thank my blog-family. My list of daily visits grows every day, but if you look over on my sidebar you will notice a list of "Daily Visits." These are folks who, no matter what I am doing I make it a priority to read their sites. A couple I know personally, a couple I know as fellow commentors on other blogs, a couple I found through books and surfing. Whether I grew up with them or have yet to even comment on their site, they are all inspiring and talented people and I am really glad that they put themselves out into the universe for me to read. So Thank You Wendy and Shayna. Thanks Pea, Tracy, Trisha and Ivy. Thanks Bitchypoo, Principessa, and GrooveBunny. Thank you Pauly D and Dooce. Thanks Jen (one of the first two to be a daily stop). You guys all encourage me and inspire me and keep me going. It is because of all of you that I keep up with this crazy blogging thang. I also really really want to thank Wil Wheaton. If any of you out there are allergic to sappy thank yous, you might want to go searching for a barf bag if you decide to keep reading. You have been forewarned. When I first started blogging I told myself (and anybody who happened to find that first blog) that I was writing as a tribute to Abbott, and also to finally maybe put myself out into the world in a way that I could find respectable. If you go back and read the first few entries, though, it is incredibly apparent that I was blogging to survive. Literally. My best friend had died a month prior to the first entry and just a few days before I started blogging Mike took the first of his last steps toward his complete and total disappearance from my life. It is an experience I doubt I will ever fully write about, it is just that painful. I had been just barely holding myself together, mostly to support Mike in his grief over Abbott (those two were like Bert and Ernie, no joke) and when Mike left I completely fell apart. I hadn't smiled a real smile or truly laughed--not even a chuckle--since Abbott died and when Mike left, well, I gave up even the fake laughter and smiles. I simply no longer cared. And then one night, not long after I was trying to hard to write one of those early blog entries that are so terribly written, I happened across an article that, among others, mentioned Wil Wheaton (Jen Garrett is linked in the same article, by the way, which is how I found out about her site). I clicked over to his site and read the Hooters story because....well, I'm a nerd who follows directions and it says right at the top of the page to read that story first. The Hooter's story hooked me. I read it and laughed. I really laughed. For the first time in almost two months I laughed, and it felt good. Immediately I clicked back to the main page and read Invisible Sun, and then read the rest of February. When I, very reluctantly, turned off my computer that night my face hurt and I realized, to my astonishment, that my cheeks hurt from smiling. I had grown accustomed to the pain a face feels after a night of tears, but the friendly pain of a constant smile had grown strange and unfamiliar. I welcomed it back. I'll be honest: I completely depended on WWDN for a few weeks. I looked at every page and read months of archives. I listened to every single audio blog entry (something everybody should do because they all rock). It was my ace, for when I felt myself start to drown, or after staring at my walls for what felt like a few minutes but turned out to be a few hours, I'd go online and read an entry and find myself smiling or laughing. Here's why, in retrospect, it was Wil that could get me to smile my first real smile and laugh my first real laugh: he wasn't trying to make me happy. He wasn't trying to cheer me up. He wasn't writing to lift my spirits or entertain me. He was just doing his thing, and had no idea that I even happened to exist. Somehow the anonymity was comforting. I don't know. It made sense at the time. Over time, I became less ocd-esque in my following of wwdn. Oh trust me, I still checked in all the time, but my laughter and smile no longer needed the kick start from the website. I learned to laugh and smile at things in the 3-d world. It took me all of 2004, but I started to heal and move on from all that had happened. I don't know that I will ever be "all better" but I'm learning to "grow up" and it's a good feeling. I know that whether or not I had ever found Wil's site the healing would have begun, but I like to think that Wil helped to jump start the process. So Wil Wheaton: Thank You. You helped me find my smile and taught me to laugh again. You've given me comfort when I felt anxious, and helped to cheer me up when I was angry or sad. I've at met great people because of you and I've been treated to some truly amazing writing. You always inspire me to keep writing. I hope that one day I can find a way to pay forward the positive effect you've had on my life. Thank you. Thanks blog readers for your patience, you may now pass your barf bags to the aisle and a flight attendant will grab them on their way back through the cabin. We now begin our descent back into the general craziness that is my world. Please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are in their upright and locked positions and turn off all portable electronic devices until after we have made it to the gate.