Get a Snack, This One Is Long!

About two weeks ago a guy came into the store and told me that I had recommended a book to him, but that he couldn't remember what it was. This happens to us booksellers a lot, and trust me it is usually as frustrating for us as it is for you. We usually can't remember what we recommend either......unless, of course, you are me. "Just a Geek, by Wil Wheaton" I told him. "Yes! That's it! Wow, you really know your customers. That's really great. I'm really impressed." the guy said, in a little-bit-too-gushy kind of way. "Well I recommend that book to pretty much everybody so I figured it was a safe bet," I said. I took him over to the staff picks shelves and handed him a copy of Sir Wheaton's tome. "Dancing Barefoot is really good too," I added, handing him a copy of that as well. The guy ended up buying Just A Geek, and a couple of other books. I waited until after he left and then did a little happy monkey dance at the register. I just love it when I can sell somebody one of Wil's books. A couple of days later, I was bounding through my store, trying to get back to a shelving project before I could get called back to the registers, when I noticed the Geek purchaser standing in our home improvement section. "Hey, how are you enjoying that book?" I asked, intending the question to be a passing one. I really needed to get back to my shelving. "Oh, I really like it! I'm so glad you recommended it to me!" he said. "Oh good, I'm glad you like it," I responded, thinking to myself 'oh yeah, who rules the customer service court?' "Yeah, I really enjoy his writing," the guy continued, obviously not realizing that I was really only being a polite salesperson, not an inquisitive fellow fan. "Me too. Well, I'm glad--" "Yeah, um, so since you have such good taste, maybe you can recommend another book for me." The guy, whose name I had not asked on purpose, went on to tell me that he was looking for a book on renovating an old house and all about the people he was buying the book for. I told him that I knew who Bob Villa was (to which he laughed as it were the funniest joke he had ever heard and began the Creeping Out Erin process) but other than that I really couldn't help him. I told him that if he couldn't find anything in the section that he was free to ask one of my coworkers to try and order something for him, but that I really had to get back to work. Apparently this translated to "Please come back to where I'm shelving and continue to talk at me for forty five minutes even though I am making it obvious that I am trying to have a conversation with my co-supervisor about work stuff that is actually really important." After a while of him interrupting my co supervisor every time she tried to talk, I finally just started ignoring him. Whenever he paused, I'd say "mmm" or "mmm-hmmm" and then he'd start talking some more. Then, Then! He says "You know, I really enjoy talking to you. We should go get some coffee sometime." I'm sorry, what? Mmm-hmm makes me a stunning conversationalist? Since when? I heard a kind of choking cough from above me and looked up to see my co-supervisor climbing down an overstock ladder with her "I am about to explode from this laughter I am holding in" face. "Oh! Uh... I mean. I don't know... Maybe. Sometime. I Uh... I don't know," I stammered, not sure of what to say. Did I really want to spend more time with someone who couldn't tell Mmm-Hmm as an "I really can't talk to you right now but you won't go away" signal? I didn't think so. Unfortunately somehow I got one of those "be nice at all costs" genes, so I was trying to figure out how to say "NO" without actually saying "NO" because saying "NO" would be rude. "Really? You're not just saying Sometime to be polite now are you?" he asked. Yes I'm just saying that to be polite, but you obviously have selective hearing so, how can I put this delicately so as to not hurt your feelings or make you think that somehow I am accepting this offer of future hanging out? "I don't know, ask me when I'm not really busy working" I said, sort of flatly, hoping he would take the hint. "Okay, well I'll have to give you a call and--" "Hey Erin, can you help me in the back for a second?" my co-supervisor asked from the door to our stockroom. "Absolutely" I said, and rushed away from Converso-Man. I figured that would be the end of it. After all, even though I hadn't really wanted to be, I had ended up being pretty rude. Who wants to talk to somebody who's rude? You can imagine my surprise and annoyance when I arrived at work on Thursday morning to find this note: "Erin, Coffee Guy came back in and asked for you. I'll tell you all about it when I come in this afternoon. Oh boy. It's good." Say it with me now: Oy. Apparently he had come in to find out if I was working and what my schedule was so that he could talk to me more often, or something to that effect. I guess he was also worried that he had come on too strong (you think?). My beautiful, wonderful, awesomely amazing co-supervisor did her best to convince him that I wasn't available for Coffee at any time and that his asking me out had been abrupt and sort of off putting; I can be really shy and it had had the opposite effect from that he had probably wanted. Problem solved, yes? Oh if only my life were that easy. I don't joke that my life should be called The Young And The Senseless for nothing. On this past Friday I got to work a little bit early, intending to do a bit of shopping before my shift started. I had ten minutes to look around before I had to clock in, so I headed up toward the front of the store. I had almost gotten there when Coffee Guy walked through the entryway. I didn't even think, I just turned around and bolted to our back room. I fully intended to stay there until the guy left. The guy, however, had other plans. I managed to avoid him until about twenty minutes into my shift. By this time he had been hovering for about a half an hour. I was helping customers like a salesperson on crack. I jumped for the back door when the delivery guy buzzed. I leapt for the phone every time it rang. Eventually, though, he caught up to me. I had just finished ringing up a customer when he came up to the counter. "I only have two books, and I need to get five," he said a bit puppy-doggishly, referring to the sale we've had for a week or so. "Tell me what to buy," he said. "Dancing Barefoot," I said immediately, "You didn't buy it the last time you were in, I don't think." The guy added a copy of Dancing Barefoot to his other two books. "What else?" "Um... I don't know. Gray's Anatomy? We have it on bargain." "Really? Okay." Coffee Guy said and added that book to his pile. "I still need one more." Dude! Sell him something really expensive! He'll buy anything you suggest! hissed my inner greedy salesperson. Do you really want him to be any more encouraged to talk to you? He probably is seeing this as you giving him the signal you want to have his babies or something. He just picked up Gray's Anatomy without even blinking! That was the voice of my inner This Dude's A Freak meter. Freak Meter won. "I can't really think of anything off the top of my head," I said. "Why don't you ask her," I pointed out one of my coworkers, "she could probably think of something you might like." And in one perfect moment when fate really did smile down on me, the phone rang. As I answered the phone, the guy turned to my coworker and asked her for a recommendation. Boy, if looks could kill... no more bloggie for me. She managed to help him find his last book and then rang him up. I was still on the phone, and thanking the Computer Gods that our system is hideously (although in this case blessedly) slow. Any normal person would have sensed my "ew get away from me" ness (I am really not subtle) and just paid for his books and left, but this guy paid for his books and then said "Well I guess I'll just wait so I can talk to Erin for a while." This was the part where I turned around and my coworker and I shared an "Oh my god you have got to be kidding!" look. Turning back to the computer, and very pointedly keeping my back to the guy the entire rest of the time I was on the phone, hoping he'd take the hint and go away, I finished up my customer's order and very reluctantly hung up the phone. "So, do you think these books are good choices?" he asked me, as soon as the phone was in the cradle. "I don't know, the only one I've read of those is Dancing Barefoot and I loved that," I said, looking at the register, at the phone, at the floor, everywhere except the Coffee Guy. "Really? Why do you love that one the best?" he asked. "I don't know, I just really enjoy Wil Wheaton's writing I guess," purposely being vague. "Erin, you have way too much shelving to get done for you to be visiting." "Yup! Bye!" I said to the guy and then turned and bounced toward the back of the store. I stopped before I got there and hid behind a display until the guy left the store. Then I ran back to the cash wrap and threw my arms around our Lead Key. She was the one who had interrupted the conversation and she was my new hero. Interrupty Note: I know that I was being rude. I didn't like having to be rude, but I didn't know what else to do at the time. Now back to our story. You'd think that with the rudeness and the vagueness and the always finding something else I had to be doing when he tried to talk to me and the not ever looking straight at him that he would get the hint that I wasn't interested and back off gracefully, right? Oh no. Not this guy. This guy was a regular "Bonk Me On the Head With a Sledgehammer 'Cause I Am Just That Clueless." On Sunday afternoon I was out at our calendar stand when the phone rang. "What does Kyle's voice sound like?" my co-supervisor asked. Kyle is a friend of mine that I talk to once in a while. The people at my store know this, so they know to give me the phone if he calls. "I don't know, like....a guy's voice." I said. "Okay, well you just got a phone call, but I don't think it was Kyle. I think it was Coffee Guy. I told him you weren't here because he didn't give his name." "Are you kidding???" I asked, my voice echoing off the corridor of the mall. "Nope, he said he'd try back later. I didn't want to tell him you were at the Calendar stand because I didn't want you to get stuck without a way to get rid of him." CS (Co-Supervisor.....writing it out every time is getting annoying) and I spent the next few minutes amusing ourselves by making up a code system for if he did happen to ever find me out at the Calendar stand. We decided that me calling the store and shrieking "Danger! Danger Will Robinson! Run for your life! Soilent Green is people!" would be the most subtle. Luckily the guy did not show up at the Calendar stand. I am only a tiny bit bummed I didn't have the chance to see if I actually have the guts to use our "rescue me" code. Cut to Today. There had just been a really big rush of people. For some reason a bazillion people decide they simply must buy books every day at about 3:15. The last customer had just left when I sat down at the supervisor's desk. I slumped in the chair and looked up at my cohort for the hour. "I am going to eat part of my cookie now, before the next rush arrives," I said and shoved this really huge piece of chocolate chip cookie in my mouth. The piece was so big I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep the crumbs from drooling back out. Doesn't that just paint the prettiest picture in your head? I had just bitten down on my gigundo cookie bite when the phone rang. "Nnnuummaay," [No Way] I mumbled around the chocolate chips and cast a pathetic look at my cohort. "I'll get it," he said and picked up the phone. He said our little opening cheesy spiel corporate makes us say, and then he said "She's right here, I'll transfer you," and held out the phone to me. "Ahroooeeeiiigg?" [Are You Kidding] I slurred, just barely not rocket launching bits of cookie from my mouth. He answered by wagging the phone in my direction. "Ohmrreeesskks," [Oh for jeez sakes] I muttered and swallowed what I could of my cookie bite. "This is Erin, how can I help you?" I asked, doing my best to not make chewing noises as I spoke. "Hey! This is [insert name I didn't recognize here]!" "Um, " chew quieter, chew quieter! "Okay?" "Oh, you don't know me by name" yes, this is a conversation that is going to go well "but I asked you out for coffee a while back and I was just calling to get that set up." [insert many swear words here, all said in my brain] Are you [more swear words] kidding me? I stomped my feet on the floor a bunch of times and glared my worst "I really hate you" glare at the guy who answered the phone, who immediately started to laugh at me. It would have really been a mean glare if I hadn't had gopher cheeks because of the cookie. "Oh. Hi." "So......" I sighed. Okay I couldn't weasel my way out of this any longer. Time to actually be blunt and disappoint the guy. "Well, the thing is I'm super busy" shut up you readers, I know I'm copping out, "I work here at the store full time and I write at night" thank god for Blogging! "I don't' really have time for anything social. I'm sorry." "I understand. How about if I give you my number so you can call me as soon as your situation changes?" This was the part of the conversation that I took the phone off of my ear and stared at it with pure wtf on my face. "Well, the thing is, we really aren't supposed to take phone numbers from customers," lie lie LIE.....mostly. "Well how about if I come in and order a book, and then you'll have my number--" Oh. My. God. I thought conversations like this only happened on after school specials. "Well we really aren't supposed to go out with customers either. It's kind of a policy thing." lie lie LIE totally. "Well if you ever change jobs--" "Sorry! Bye!" I hung up the phone. "That is why you always ask who it is when you answer the phone!!" I said, throwing the phone receiver at my guy coworker (I really have to give all of my coworkers fake names, this is getting old really fast). Archibald (wee! fake names!) caught the receiver and gave me his most innocent look. "I figured it was one of your friends." he said and started laughing. Twenty minutes later he had managed to have four voids in a row on his register. Karma works, people. Karma works.